From Blow-Up to Buy-In: Why Strong Leaders Self-Sabotage—and What Actually Works

He Didn’t Mean to Blow Up.
That’s what made it harder to admit.

Jake had tried—really tried—to stay calm during his “accountability” conversation with his staff. His team was behind on proposals, the client was balking, and nobody seemed to be taking the urgency seriously. Worse, the drafts he’d seen were terrible. He felt the pressure building but told himself, Just get through this. Be constructive. Don’t micromanage.

So he swallowed it. Again.

He asked questions, nodded, and offered kind suggestions.

But halfway through the meeting, someone made a flip remark about “waiting on approvals,” and the dam broke.

Jake’s tone turned sharp. His words came faster. He didn’t yell at first, but the room chilled.

And just like that, the energy shifted. His most creative team member went silent. One of his senior leaders folded their arms. Everyone disengaged. Except one person who tried to step up and name the problem. There really was a problem with Jake’s attention to approvals.

In that moment, Jake saw red and lashed out. It was ugly. He said things to his staff that he would later regret. The team agreed to move forward with his direction but they were sullen and withdrawn for days afterward. He felt like he’d gotten his point across. But it didn’t feel like a win.

Jake was not proud of how he’d shown up. He was not angry really at his team anymore. He was just… deflated.

He’d tried to address an issue reasonably. But somehow, again, he was the problem.

I’ve coached dozens of high-D* leaders through this pattern—and I’ve lived it, too.
It’s a frustrating cycle: when your intensity is meant to protect or fix but ends up pushing people away.

You don’t want to control everything. You just want things to work. And to be done right.
But the longer you try to dam up your hostile reactions, the more explosive they are when they finally come out.

*A high-D leader is a leader who scores very high in the Dominance dimension of the DiSC personality profile. This style is one of four: Dominance (D), Influence (i), Steadiness (S), and Conscientiousness (C). Each style has effective and ineffective ways of being. High-D leaders are driven by results, fueled by challenge, and focused on action. Their core drive is control over outcomes. They want to win, fix, or move forward—now.

What Is the Damage–Regret Loop?

It starts with good intentions. High standards. A sense of responsibility. And, let’s be honest—a little too much weight on your shoulders.

So you suppress the frustration. You tolerate too much. You tell yourself it’s not worth starting a fire. You say to yourself, “I’m a good man. I care about my people. I’m not that kind of leader.”

Until you light the whole place on fire. Ouch.

The loop goes like this:

1. You hold back—trying to be patient, not overbearing.
2. You reach your limit—and it spills out, often sharper than intended. Often fueled by hidden drivers.
3. People retreat—not because you’re wrong, but because you broke trust in the delivery.
4. You feel the remorse—but it’s too late. The damage is already done.
5. You try to reset—but the cycle starts again.

Sound familiar? You’re not the only one who gets stuck in this pattern.

The cost is hronic relational wear-and-tear, quiet erosion of trust, and an exhausting cycle of cleanup that costs more than the original blow-up ever should have.

Why It Happens (Especially to “high-D” Leaders)

If you’re wired for action, results, and high standards, this loop isn’t a failure of leadership. It’s a distortion of your strengths. In other words, this is the ineffective use of a positive trait.

You’re not trying to dominate for its own sake. You’re trying to protect what matters. But in fast-moving environments, emotional friction feels like inefficiency. So you default to logic, speed, and control. Have you noticed yourself at home doing the same thing? Things might not be moving fast over dinner. BUT, if you are under a lot of stress elsewhere in your life, emotional friction can feel intolerable—like the friction is costing you energy you can’t afford to spend. It feels like inefficiency.

The problem is—relationships don’t move at that speed. And neither does trust. And let’s face it: all aspects of life depend on your relationships. All of them.

Let’s break down what’s really going on. Below is a table of the strengths and the blind spots of a strong D leader.

The key strengths of a strong-D leader are:

Strengths		When Balanced
Direct communication	Clear and time-saving
Decisive	Moves fast, avoids bottlenecks
Goal-oriented	Drives results and urgency
Competitive	Pushes standards higher

The key blind spots of a high-D leader are:

Blind Spots		When Overused
Impatient	Cuts people off, dismisses nuance
Controlling	Micromanages, doesn’t delegate well
Blunt	Sacrifices trust for speed
Emotionally detached	Misses signals, damages relationships

There’s a hidden fault line in a high-D person. It’s tricky, because we think of high-D leaders as confident, strong, and clear-headed. And they are in many ways. However, the strong D believes they should be more tolerant. After all, they’ve been hearing this for decades now—right? So they over-accommodate and end up delaying feedback. The high-D will also have an inner narrative that assigns blame to others for their behavior. Otherwise, they’d have to face the harsh reality that they might not be meeting their own high standards. Here’s a chart that can be useful:

Pattern (unconscious action)	Default Behavior	Transformed Leadership Move
Emotional Tolerance	Over-accommodate, delay feedback	Address early, with clarity and care
Emotional Expression	Blow-up under pressure	Pause, breathe, reflect, engage
Communication Style	Directive or reactive	Invitational, feedback-rich
Aftermath Response	Guilt, overcorrection, silence	Direct repair & accountability
Inner Narrative	“They made me do it”	“What pattern did I just repeat?”

You don’t need to become a softer leader. But you do need to become a more conscious one. And if the phrase ‘become more conscious’ feels vague—here’s what that really means. It means being more self-aware. More aware of your impact on others. Right in the moment.

Jake, Revisited

Three months later, the same pressure showed up again: late-stage project delays, team avoidance, and an unhappy client.

Jake felt the frustration rise—same triggers, same pressure. Same, man.

But this time, he caught it.

He paused before the meeting. Literally stopped, closed his eyes, took three full breaths. Asked himself:

“What’s the move that builds alignment—not just compliance?”

He walked in with the same expectations. But this time, he opened with

“I’m noticing that some pieces are falling behind—and I want to name it early so we can stay in sync. I have a few ideas, but I want your read on what’s getting in the way first.”

The room didn’t go cold. People leaned in. Someone flagged a system breakdown. Another offered a fix. They course-corrected together. Jake was able to see and acknowledge the role his approvals played in either moving things forward or not. This time without resistance. This time without shame.

The work moved forward.

So did the trust.

Same, Jake. Same leadership standard. But no blow-up. No fallout. Just clarity—and buy-in. And, as a bonus, Jake’s relationship with his family was healing too.

Breaking the Damage–Regret Loop

Let’s be clear—this isn’t about playing small, walking on eggshells, or lowering your standards. It’s about timing, emotional clarity, and interrupting the spiral before it spirals. This takes self-awareness. Maybe even some healing and forgiveness—of yourself and others who have disappointed you. It also takes learning to intervene with yourself internally before the pressure point—not after it bursts.

Here’s how strong leaders break the loop:

1. Track Your Triggers
   Know what gets under your skin early. If you’re annoyed on Monday and blowing up by Friday—you waited too long. Learn what’s underneath the trigger and work with a coach or other pro to help you reframe that narrative.
2. Name Tension Early
   Directness isn’t domination. Speak to what’s happening while it’s still small. It helps to notice the physical signs of building tension so you are spotting it before it’s erupting all over the place.
3. Build Feedback Loops
   Don’t just give it. Ask for it. “How did that land?” goes further than “Did you hear me?” Practice active listening. Ask, “What did you understand from what I said?” Say it gently, and offer, “This is what I heard you say,” then “Did I get that right?”
4. Don’t Fix Alone
   When damage happens—and it will—repair it with the person. Not just inside your own head. This is so important. Practice effective repair using the five Rs of real repair: Recognize (what actually happened), Responsibility (take radical ownership of your own part), Remorse (feel the pain of the cost to the relationship, without self-flagellation), Repair (what is the action that makes it better), and Recommitment (what is the committed standard you will hold yourself to moving forward). Want to know how to truly repair a relationship when damage happens? Read THE 5 R’s of REAL REPAIR.
5. Create a Practice of Pause
   Three breaths. One question: “What do I want this moment to create?”
   That pause is your power.

Final Word

If you’re a strong, visionary leader…
If you hold yourself to a high standard…
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “That’s not how I meant it to go…”

Then this was written just for you.

The Damage–Regret Loop doesn’t make you a bad leader.

But staying in it might.

The good news? You already have the instincts. Now you just need the practice.

And when you master it? You don’t just avoid blow-ups. You lead with presence, power, and clean momentum.

That’s what the best leaders do.
They repair. They recalibrate. They lead clean.
Because in leadership—and in life—there’s nothing more powerful than that.

Ready to break your own Damage–Regret Loop?
Take the first step toward leadership with presence and clean momentum.
Sign up for a free 15‑minute clarity call—and let’s craft a plan to move from pressure to presence.