The Roots of Upset: And How to Keep Your Cool When The Stakes Are High
Powerful leaders juggle chaos every day. And some days just feel like whiplash.
Deadlines. Emotions. Ping after ping. High-stakes calls. High-stakes decisions.
You know what you’re doing—but it piles up, and you’re tense, short-fused, and reactive.
And if you’re honest? It’s not the work itself. It’s what’s happening inside.
That’s upsetting. And it’s costing you.
Whether you’re running a company or leading a complex team, the noise doesn’t stop. Deadlines multiply. Change and uncertainty abound, and ultimately, decision fatigue kicks in. Communication breaks down. And just when you think you’ve got one fire out—another flares up.
It’s not just the external pressure that breaks leaders down.
It’s the internal hijack that happens when upset takes over.
You know that feeling, don’t you? I sure do!
Chest tight. Jaw clenched. Story spinning on repeat:
- They should know better.
- I shouldn’t have to deal with this.
- What am I doing wrong?
This is where leadership gets real.
Because it’s not your calendar, your metrics, or your team that decides how effective you are.
It’s your capacity to stay grounded and choiceful when things go sideways.
What Is Upset, Really?
Upset is not just frustration.
It’s that emotional loop you get stuck in when reality doesn’t line up with your expectations—and the stakes feel personal.
It hijacks your thinking, narrows your perspective, and leaves you reacting from fear instead of responding from power.
The question isn’t whether you’ll get upset. You will. You’re human. The point is, what happens next?
Will it be the same old pattern? Or something better?
Two Leaders
James: The Respected Leader Who Felt Defective
James ran the most productive regional office in his federal agency. By every metric, he was killing it.
But his team wasn’t responding to him. Morale was flat. And he couldn’t figure out why.
Worse, his self-talk was keeping him stuck.
I’ve done everything right—and it still isn’t working.
I understood James well. I’ve caught myself spinning the exact same story: “What else am I supposed to do?”
James wasn’t just frustrated. He was tangled in a deeper, quieter story beneath the surface. Can you relate? Have you ever had that thought?
Maybe I’m just not good at this.
Fiona: The Executive Mom Facing Disconnection
Fiona was sharp, high-achieving, and newly postpartum.
She was trying to apply the tools she had learned in the Executive Women Leaders Forum to distinguish between agreements and expectations—but her partner wasn’t responding.
He didn’t communicate. Didn’t engage. Didn’t contribute.
And Fiona was doing it all.
Her mind spun.
- He should be different.
- I shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
- Is it me? Am I not enough?
What Really Drives Upset?
Strip away the circumstances, and upset comes down to three core triggers:
- Something’s wrong with the situation
(“It should be different.”) - I’m not enough
(“I can’t get it right.”) - Others don’t think I’m enough
(“I’m being criticized.”)
Sound familiar?
This trio drives emotional reactivity in boardrooms and bedrooms alike.
In both James and Fiona’s cases, these were running in the background—and draining their presence, power, and performance. And guess what? In a V.U.C.A.-intensive world (volatile, uncertain, chaotic, and ambiguous), the fuse is shorter and shorter before upset blows us up!
The I.C.E. Loop: How Leaders Freeze Up
When you hit an internal snag, it usually shows up in one of three ways.
I call it I.C.E. because it shuts down your emotional flow and leadership clarity.
- Thwarted Intention
You want something important—and it’s blocked. - Undelivered Communication
There’s something you need to say—but you don’t. - Unrealized Expectation
You assumed something would happen—and it didn’t.
Fiona had all three.
So did James.
So do most leaders I work with—until they learn to name what’s underneath.
The Unlock: Interrogating the Thought
This is where tools like The Work (from Byron Katie) come in. It’s simple—but not easy.
Let’s use Fiona’s belief:
“I’m powerless in this relationship.”
Ask:
- Is it true?
- Can I absolutely know it’s true?
- Who am I when I believe it?
- Who would I be without it?
- What’s a turnaround I could explore?
Her shift:
“Even if I can’t make agreements with him, I can make agreements with myself.”
That gave her her power back. No tantrums. No ultimatum. Just grounded clarity.
James did the same.
He shifted from “I’ve done all I can, and it’s not enough” to:
“There’s more I can explore—and I am enough.”
The Real Leadership Move
When upset hits, the reflex is to fix the situation.
But the deeper move—the one that separates wise leaders from reactive ones—is to shift the story underneath.
Upset is an indicator, not a fixed state.
It’s pointing to a blocked truth, an outdated belief, or a misplaced expectation.
Learn to read that signal, and you reclaim your ability to lead from choice—not reactivity. That’s Radical Ownership.
The Path Forward
Leadership in 2025 doesn’t require more grit.
It requires more clarity, agility, and ownership of your internal weather system.
That’s how you lead clean and make better decisions, that others feel informed about, and included in.
Keeping your cool—when the stakes are high—that is at the root of powerful leadership presence, influence, and ultimately self-trust.
Dr. Lisa Hale is a master executive coach, AI integration consultant, and founder of Focused Leadership Consulting. She helps powerful people lead with clarity, confidence, and capacity—even when the pressure is on. Want to lead with clarity, even in the middle of chaos? Let’s talk. Reach out here.
